Hopes and Fears

Is it sad that I would rather be blogging than studying right now? No, or at least I don't think so anyway.

Finals are almost here, classes are almost out. I can taste it, but I can't chew it and digest it. So close but so far away. I'm tired and I need a break. A long break from all of this. I do enjoy my studies but my body is beyond tired. And it isn't my studies that are the main problem. It's everything else that's making me so anxious. I'm starting to realize why I've been having these physical and emotional feelings/problems lately that most people that I know are completely unaware of. I am not going to go into full detail yet because I am not 100% sure that I am right. I kind of hope that I am wrong actually. And if I'm right then there's nothing that I can do to make it better except wait it out. Wait until I graduate, get a desirable job, and become financially ok amongst other things.

I don't want for this post to be entirely depressing though.

So, on a different note, I am starting to realize that the desire to conduct professionally is becoming stronger and stronger. I'd really like to conduct/direct my own choral/orchestral ensemble, or even be the music director of an opera production. I would also enjoy doing musicals. This is both exciting and terrifying. I really, really, REALLY want to attend grad school but I have no idea how I am going to pay for it. My father has already stressed that he will not help me financially with grad school and has subtlely hinted/thinks/not said that what I do is not that important or contributes to society in any way. And then there is the question of whether I am/will be good enough to even get into grad school. Even though it is hard to do, I try not to think about it/get my hopes up. Through past experiences, getting my hopes up is never a good idea. But at the same time, I should be allowed to hope for something even if it seems like the universe is always against me. But I really do want to study and go into more depth with conducting and music history. I enjoy learning. I know that sounds weird and beyond strange but I do.

I feel like that last bit is similar to an earlier post that I made. Oh well.

"I'm Ready"

It's what my grandfather shouted before he had his third heart attack last night. And now he's in a coma. He is the first person that I know of/am personally close to (related to) who is in coma. I am scared. Actually, I am beyond that. I am terrified. As soon as I got off the phone with my mother a few minutes ago, I began to shake and shed a few tears. Most people would see this as uncaring, but this is something that I rarely do, cry let alone feel completely torn about something and be visibly upset about it. I wish that there was something that I could do. I asked my mother what the doctors said about his being in a coma and told me that they said to just pray. The fact that the only thing that a doctor can say about something like this is pray is just...I don't even know what. I'm going to pray and hope that everything will be alright, but this is his third heart attack, and one gets to the point where they have to start viewing things realisitically. I don't know what to do. Did my grandfather mean when he said "I'm ready" that he was ready to leave this world? My mother thinks so, and I think that I do too. But I'm not ready.

Time is of the Essence

So, while I was busy not being productive, my thoughts took me to an interesting place. I find it absolutely crazy that it's already almost the end of the year. So much has happened. So much. But at the same time, I feel as though the year has barely even started. I feel like there was so much more that I wanted to accomplish and experience. So many things have become clear these past months. In about two months it will be the year 2010. That's a terrifying thought. I'm getting so old.

In two and a half years, I will be graduating from the university with an undergraduate degree in music education. It feels like I've been working so hard all my life for something that would never come. But it's coming and it's closer than ever before. I'm both nervous and very excited at the same time. A new and very different chapter. I worry that I might not be very good at doing what I've been studying these past three years. That I'll be in a classroom and have no idea what to do with the children sitting before me. But at the same time, I have to know that everything will be alright. Time will help me gain the knowledge that I need.

This month is filled with so many things that I feel like it is just going to fly by. I have three concerts that I have to perform in, never-ending amounts of projects and arranging assignments, work, Thanksgiving, my sister's birthday, New Moon movie (yeah, I'm semi-excited for it...).

Also, Friday I went to my first party in college. Ever. Yeah, kind of sad. I'm almost 21 years of age and five months before my 21st birthday I attend my first collegiate party. I'm surprised that I did go and am glad at the same time that I made that decision. It was a Halloween party so I think that one of the main things that motivated me to attend was the possiblity of candy being involved. And costume wearing/seeing other people's costumes. Amongst other things. I only stayed for about three hours but I had a lot of fun.

Let's see what this month will have in store for me. Hopefully a lot of good and exciting experiences. I like those.

Brevity is the Soul of Wit

So to explain a bit more about myself, I am currently a junior at Wayne State studying instrumental music education. I would really like to go to graduate school to continue on with my studies, if I can find a way (financially) to do so. I am presently caught between wanting to study orchestral conducting or music history. I find both subjects entirely interesting and every day I find myself going back and forth between which one I truely enjoy more. I've got only a couple more years to make a decision (graduating a year later than the average person; however, not uncommon amongst music majors).

If I choose to study music history, I've been thinking that I would really like to delve into French musical impressionism of the late 19th and early 20th century, studying composers such as Claude Debussy and Erik Satie, and the cultural influences surrounding that time.

If I choose to study orchestral conducting, I would, obviously, like to take on an orchestra (of my own). This would mean that I will have to be beyond amazing at conducting and that I would have to be able to bring new and fresh ideas to the stand. I will have to be so unique and talented at what I do in order to get noticed. It's kind of scary whenever I think about it. But I also get excited too.

Either way, when/if I get a graduate degree, I would really like to teach at the collegiate level. I really enjoy being in an academic atmosphere and I can't see myself anywhere else in place of that (unless I am teaching and doing something else). I feel at home in school. I realize most people feel the complete opposite of that and probably find me incredibly insane, but it's true. I may get frustrated when I recognize teachers being unfair or uncaring towards students or when students disrespect teachers, but all in all, teaching children, teenagers, or adults in one way or another is my calling. I can feel it. I can hear it.

"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man." Shakespeare's Hamlet

O, Brave New World!

So it seems that I have stumbled across another way to find an outlet for my thoughts, yet again. I had been thinking about starting a blog for quite some time but I never got around to actually creating one. This blog shall contain the inner-workings of my very complicated mind and perception of reality. In other words, the confessions of my satirical mind.

"We are such stuff as dreams are made of." -Shakespeare's The Tempest