Hopes and Fears

Is it sad that I would rather be blogging than studying right now? No, or at least I don't think so anyway.

Finals are almost here, classes are almost out. I can taste it, but I can't chew it and digest it. So close but so far away. I'm tired and I need a break. A long break from all of this. I do enjoy my studies but my body is beyond tired. And it isn't my studies that are the main problem. It's everything else that's making me so anxious. I'm starting to realize why I've been having these physical and emotional feelings/problems lately that most people that I know are completely unaware of. I am not going to go into full detail yet because I am not 100% sure that I am right. I kind of hope that I am wrong actually. And if I'm right then there's nothing that I can do to make it better except wait it out. Wait until I graduate, get a desirable job, and become financially ok amongst other things.

I don't want for this post to be entirely depressing though.

So, on a different note, I am starting to realize that the desire to conduct professionally is becoming stronger and stronger. I'd really like to conduct/direct my own choral/orchestral ensemble, or even be the music director of an opera production. I would also enjoy doing musicals. This is both exciting and terrifying. I really, really, REALLY want to attend grad school but I have no idea how I am going to pay for it. My father has already stressed that he will not help me financially with grad school and has subtlely hinted/thinks/not said that what I do is not that important or contributes to society in any way. And then there is the question of whether I am/will be good enough to even get into grad school. Even though it is hard to do, I try not to think about it/get my hopes up. Through past experiences, getting my hopes up is never a good idea. But at the same time, I should be allowed to hope for something even if it seems like the universe is always against me. But I really do want to study and go into more depth with conducting and music history. I enjoy learning. I know that sounds weird and beyond strange but I do.

I feel like that last bit is similar to an earlier post that I made. Oh well.