Innocent Romance or Vulgar Intimacy: A Moral Conundrum?

I wish to make this entry very brief. So let's see if that will work out...

As I sat watching the most recent film adaptation of "Jane Eyre", I began thinking about something that I realize has been bothering me. What has happened to propriety, self-respect, and morals? (Yeah, this will be a short entry all right....)

I feel like I am quite a rarity within my generation. I do not attend mass or religious service on a consistent basis yet I do not entirely shun the existence of a higher being, nor do I act as though this could be a possibilty. This explanation puts me somewhere in the middle between being overly religious and ignorant yet carefree (and I don't mean ignorant in a negative sense).

I write about this because as I grow older I should be able to relate to people in an intimate way. But intimacy has become something quite vulgar and at times disrespectful to oneself. I do not necessarily judge those whose list of sexual activities might be a collection of encyclopedias thick with colorful entries. But I do however question society and the direction that it has taken in terms of how we should carry and present ourselves as potential partners for one another.

There are certain expectations held of how men and women should regard/receive one another (that I need not thoroughly explain here..). And I barely reach those expectations. What few morals I have managed to keep hold of have made it somewhat difficult for me to (by society's standards) properly live my life as a young adult and relate to others in a more intimate fashion.

What ever happened to courting someone with poems, music, dancing, promises of a love that would last forever? And if that is asking for too much then what about the ideal of restraining one's passions until the perfect moment? When it isn't just momentary lust that is the cause of such a spontaneous and short-lived intimate union? It should be more than that and not something that is expected or freely given (and then forgotten).

Maybe I am too critical of what kind of romantic encounter I seek to partake in but that coupled with my ever-fixed morals might hinder me.

I feel that it is quite unfair that I must carry myself a particular way in order to receive and gather the attentions of any potential romantic interest. And maybe because of this I will end up very alone. But at least I'll have some morals and self-respect to keep me company.

"Elsewhere"

I love the time and in between
The calm inside me
In the space where I can breathe
I believe there is a
Distance I have wandered
To touch upon the years of
Reaching out and reaching in
Holding out holding in

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I’ll defend it as long as I can be
Left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

I know this love is passing time
Passing through like liquid
I am drunk in my desire...
But I love the way you smile at me
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I’ll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand

Oh the quiet child awaits the day when she can break free
The mold that clings like desperation
Mother can’t you see I’ve got
To live my life the way I feel is right for me
Might not be right for you but it’s right for me...
I believe...

I believe
This is heaven to no one else but me
And I’ll defend it as long as
I can be left here to linger in silence
If I choose to
Would you try to understand it

I would like to linger here in silence
If I choose to
Would you understand it
Would you try to understand...

-Sarah McLachlan

450 to 1: One is the Loneliest Number

"Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is found in only one. Which one seems unnatural now?"

This statement has been recently made popular on the social networking site of Twitter through 'tweets' and 'retweets'. When I saw this (and retweeted it as well), it made me really think about the science of homosexuality. People complain and say that homosexuality is unnatural, that it is something that a person choses to become instead of already being. What about other animals who are very free with their sexuality? But aren't we of the animal species as well? We can say that yes we were born with the gift of intelligence and self-awareness. But that intelligence and self-awareness can also be misconstrued, created into whatever shape and design that we want it to take.

Why do we exercise so much control over (personal) human life and how it should be lived? Homophobia, like racism and so many other unfortunate feelings, is the fear of the unknown and unfamiliar. And we as people constantly struggle with self esteem issues and in order to bring ourselves up, we have to take some people down, creating a 'false balance' in society. And then religion is utilized as a shield to hide these true and very raw feelings and then is used as a sword to tear apart that which is deemed 'wrong'. This has been going on for so many centuries, all of this hatred and discrimination in various forms, which makes me almost wonder, is discrimination something that will always and forever be a part of our society? Can we survive without it? Because without it, we'd definitely be on our way to becoming a 'semi-utopian' society. But as human beings we were born imperfect in our own different, unique ways. So that, in a sense, kind of eliminates the idea of a 'utopia'.

But can we and will we ever be able to overcome this ideal that has become very ingrained into our society? Can't we try to accept each other for who we are (as long as what we are is positive and not harming other persons in the process of being ourselves)? We always hear about peace in the news, on the radio, on the television, but that's all it has been, is talk. Why not try to make it a reality? Overcome centuries worth of adversity and accept those who do what comes to them naturally. Breathing is also a natural phenomenon. What if that ability was taken away because a powerful group of people deemed it not right and unnatural? What would you do? Wouldn't you fight for the right to live?

What is There to Talk About?

That's a very good question. Haven't been on here in over a month and I feel like I should update somehow. But I don't know if I have that much to say. Life in the Dirty D has been its unusual self as usual, especially these past few days. Not going to share those very gory details though.

I've been in a better place than where I have been in terms of being unhappy and disastified with certain things. There will always be that underlying want to escape and start anew but things have become kind of ok. I just have to take it one day at a time.

Still don't have my driver's liscence and car. Single most frustrating thing in my life right now if I had to name it on the spot.

Let's see. Boys are still upsetting and confusing. And I'm not a lesbian so I'm going to have to stick it out I guess. But seriouosly..I'll find "kind-of-Mr. Right" someday. Or "Mr. Right-now-not-later." Maybe. Hahaha

My birthday is less than a month away. Scary. I expect a cane in the mail soon.

That's my life in a nutshell in this past month. Hopefully there will be more intriguing musings to report in the coming days/next month.

2011: So This Is The New Year

Woo hoo, it's the new year!!! And I feel the exact same way that I did before the stroke of midnight rang in this new set of 365 days. Time is a [hu]man-made concept, blah blah blah...

Also, I will go yet another year without making a bloody "new year's resolution". Why? Because it's stupid. And I like myself. And I see no reason to change something that is complete and utter perfection. Does this make me vain, conceited, and narcissistic? I think not...

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Narcissistic+personality+disorder

But I did learn something new just before the close of 2010. I FINALLY HAVE A DIAGNOSIS and it is called hyperthyroidism, not narcissistic personality disorder.

https://health.google.com/health/ref/Hyperthyroidism

My doctor must have thought that I was positively insane when he explained this to me because I was jumping for joy. I have been in and out of the hospital for almost two years exactly (come the end of this month) because of an odd assortment of symptoms and not one doctor being capable enough to come up with a proper diagnosis, until now. I have to go through a bit more testing but hopefully I will be on medication soon. And hopefully this medication will help me to feel and act my true age of not 85 years. Just a little bit lower than that.

Anyway, a toast to 2011! Wishing it will be a year filled with lots of crazy/fun/good things! And here's to me wishing that I had a glass of wine to make this solitary toast more official and complete.