So here I am on the other side of another stress-filled semester. Most of my grades are up and they are pretty decent this semester. Flute jury went ok, I think. Christmas break has finally begun! I am free!
But I am not happy for I cannot decide which is worse: dealing with the stress and large amount of work that comes along with attending college, or the empty and very lonely breaks that follow.
I know it's Christmas time and that I shouldn't be a "debbie-downer" or a "Grinch" but at the end of today, right now, that is all I feel: alone. And very cut off.
After I finished my exit flute jury, I was elated, and then I was tired and took a nap. And then I woke up. I woke up and remembered life outside of school. And the funny thing is is that I always forget that this happens everytime there is an extended break of some kind (summer is worse, way worse). And I always feel so surprised by it when it's nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary.
And everytime this happens, I become more and more annoyed with my present circumstances. Why is it always this way? Am I really that unlikable/incapable of forming any kind of familial/friendly bond with another person for an extended period of time? And why can't these bonds grow closer when they do attempt to form?
Maybe I need a chemistry book to answer some of these questions....
It is slowly getting better, very slowly. A year ago compared to now there are definitely improvements being made. But still, at the end of the day, I find myself in an empty room thinking the same thoughts that I always think to myself. And I don't like it. I want change.
No comments:
Post a Comment