Silenced

Sometimes I feel like my intelligence is underestimated and/or misunderstood. People talk to me like I'm a walking-talking encyclopedia. They see me as the "brain" in certain situations, able to rattle off ancient knowledge and obscure facts. On the other side of things, in my opinion, people also talk to me like an immature 16 year old. They speak to me as if I don't (and can't) understand real life situations, as if I have nothing to contribute to the conversation. Perhaps it is because of my physical appearance that people think I am incapable of imparting words of wisdom. Maybe it's because I laugh a lot. Either way, this is something that I have noticed in my encounter with people as of late.

I find this assessment a confusing combination of funny, absurd, and (somewhat) offensive. I find it fascinating that I am perceived in the way stated above because if anything, I feel as if it is actually the other way around.

I've also realized that for many years I have made it a goal for others to perceive me as "book smart", and even though I suppose I did "succeed" in that goal, I think it went a little too far. Too far because other parts of my intelligence, specifically my (I don't mean this in a full-of-myself kind of way) wisdom of life and people has been diminished to a point that it is perceived as no longer existing.

In this way, I feel like my true voice has been silenced. And that is unbelievably worrisome to me.

So Long, Farewell

It is always difficult to say goodbye. Especially in a more permanent sense. It's funny, people always seem to find a way to easily say (but not verbally, so maybe evoke the feelings of) "so long", but as soon as I begin to even say or think the words, it's as though that other person wishes to rescind their unspoken farewell.

I just wonder about the ever mysterious idea of leaving someone, moving on with your life, saying goodbye. For many, it can be such a gray area, confusing and uncomfortable.

In my case, as stated above, people without a second thought disappear from my life but as soon as I erase them from my mind, they suddenly remember and acknowledge my existence. Why is that? And why does it keep happening?

If they are allowed to move on, leave without a second glance, then why aren't I allowed to do the same? Am I expected to always be there for someone who is not there for me? Why am I not allowed to say farewell and continue along my journey?

If you want a goodbye, I'll give you a goodbye. But I will not rescind that farewell, especially if you're the one to initiate it.

Oh, the musings of a satirical mind...

"Getting My Feet Wet"

Another year has come and gone. I know I've said this countless times before but so much has changed. For starters, I have officially finished my first year of graduate school, successfully I might add. It is somewhat scary to acknowledge but I think that I made the right career change, taking the musicology path. I feel like this is where I should be. It is a lot of hard work and constantly stress-filled but I have never enjoyed the learning process more than I do now.

It is my hope that after two years I will be pursuing a PhD in musicology somewhere out of the state. Before this however, I would like to spend some time doing research somewhere in Europe (or maybe even doing volunteer work; I haven't decided).

This past semester I was finally able to delve into the art of music criticism and journalism. I must say that I thoroughly enjoyed it and am finding myself also considering a career as a music journalist (in addition to being a university professor).

It has been a goal of mine for a while to start posting reviews of anything I hear and/or see here on my blog to "get my feet wet." Or maybe to have an another blog dedicated to just my music reviews. That might be better and less confusing.

This summer will be devoted to my pursuit of a master's thesis topic. I have so many ideas in mind that if I don't make an official decision by the end of this summer, I might have to pick a topic out of a hat or something.

One year down, another year and a half to go!