A Most Musical Epiphany

I have recently become aware of something. Of how I perceive, pursue, and live my life. Even though I am not actively performing anymore, most of my life consisted of me playing my flute (and other instruments). For almost twenty years I had a creative outlet. I was able to use and engage so many different parts of my brain, aspects of my mind. Upsetting and wonderful both at the same time. Frustrating yet satisfying.

Despite being a musician for almost twenty years and having spent eight years of my life in collegiate music study, I consider myself to be a terribly logical person. In terms of relating to others, an emotional robot. I find myself more focused on the academic side of music, history and education. I am currently in the process of sending out applications for doctoral study. But the performance and study of music does something important for me in that respect: it acts as a balance. It gives me that extra push to not only walk but run. (Or trot, at least. Maybe even a nice gallop.)

But if there is no passion, no desire, nothing to be learned, nothing of value, then I cannot pursue it. I am learning that I cannot settle for the ordinary, the conventional, the "cubicle" life. There has to be more. More meaning, more depth. I cannot participate in something for an indeterminate period of time with no creative outlet. I need to be fully engaged, both logically and creatively. I need truth. I need magic. I need passion. I need music.

And I cannot settle for anything less.

Dear United States of America

Dear United States of America,

Where oh where oh where to begin?

*sigh*

It's just...

*sigh*

I just...

I don't understand.

Or rather, I think I understand. It's just extremely disappointing.

So many phrases that get shouted and sang at the top of our lungs, several times during the year: Land of the free! Livin' the American dream! America's the place to be! We're number one!!" etc.

But I don't feel those things. Not anymore. With each passing year, each passing holiday (or any other day for that matter), I think to myself: "Just read another headline that involved yet another African-American being unnecessarily attacked and/or killed by a police officer" or "Got a Muslim name? Must be a terrorist" or "Women can vote but can't do anything else including have control over their bodies." I mean, it's 2015...TWENTY-FIFTEEN?!!? And we are still having all of these problems?!?!

And on top of it all, there is a presidential election coming up, and every time I think about the Republican roster and what they each stand for, I find myself wanting to cry myself to sleep, or punching a wall. I never thought I'd find myself saying this, but I would take McCain over any and all of those guys any day. ANY DAY AND I'M NOT KIDDING!

*PSA: Please get more informed about presidential candidate Bernie Sanders. He seems to be our only hope. ONLY HOPE.*

The current system of elected officials is already scary enough, just having recently defunded Planned Parenthood (I can't even with that right now). And the Republican candidates are more than ok with this, amongst other scary things (like building a wall between the US and Mexico). These guys are running for the GOP ticket. THESE GUYS?!?!

It's not even that I don't consider myself Republican (And I most certainly do not, especially presently). It's that not one of them seems to care about the actual people currently living in this country and wanting to better the life of its people (particularly the middle and lower classes).

Anyway, I worry about the future of this country, to say the least. So many people who are filled with ignorance and hate have so much power here, and that's terrifying. I'm not saying that everyone has to agree about everything. That would be unrealistic. However, I would hope that most of the people in this country would believe that everyone deserves an equal amount of respect and rights to life, etc. To each their own. Do unto others as you want done onto yourself. But this is not the case. Far from it.

I feel so unsafe, so unhappy here. And the people who are in power don't even want to fully acknowledge my rights both as an African-American and as a woman (in addition to my short, natural hair) living here in this country. We call this the "land of the free" but if you're gay, then they don't want for you to get married. If you're Muslim and/or possess a "Muslim-sounding" name, then you are the enemy and not to be trusted. If you are a woman, you have no control over your body; you are a man's prized trophy. If you are African-American, you are lazy and always up to no good, so to jail you go!

I tried to keep this post relatively organized but at the same time, there are so many thoughts that I have that keep tumbling onto the page through my fingers. Fighting to escape and be seen on my blog.

The lack of support and care just astounds me. Government is just a big business. It's not about taking care of its people, making sure that they are rightfully represented. It's about numbers, the overall revenue coming in. We aren't people. We are walking talking dollar signs.

And I really want to stay here, I really do! But at the same time, the overall quality of life here is so depressing compared to numerous other developed countries that lately I've been thinking more and more of just leaving so I can experience life as it should be. Or at least, maybe better than what I am here. Where you have to (most likely) get a loan in order to get the degree required to get the job that you need that doesn't exist to earn money to take care of yourself but you can't take care of yourself because you need money and in order to get money you need a job and in order to get a job you need a degree and in order to get that degree the chances are you have to apply and rely on loans.

*breathes*

Where is the American dream amongst all of that?? Please someone tell me, because I would most certainly like to be enlightened.

Sincerely,

A most concerned US citizen

2015: An Unexpected Journey

Dear internet world (or me when I go to read this later), I really do hope to get better at updating this thing of a blog, to contribute more thoughts and confessions, delve into the world that is my mind, and describe that which is my life at present. And get better at writing sentences that do not morph into ones that run on and on.

Again I must write: so much has changed. So so much. I did not think it would be possible to pry them any wider, but my eyes have opened up to so much more.

I did not end up going to Disney World and The Wizarding World of Harry Potter after I graduated in May. In fact, everything that I had planned out for this year blew up in complete shambles. Full of unexpected turns and obstacles.

I did have a plan. Such a solid plan. So I thought.

Original plan: finish my Master's thesis in March/April, defend said thesis in April, graduate in May, visit Harry Potter Land a week or two later, and begin my search for university adjunct faculty positions. And then also start my PhD applications. As of today, I did accomplish one of those things in order (started one of 8 or 9 applications).

What actually happened: "finished" writing my thesis in March/April, "graduated" in May, "defended" my thesis, had graduation pushed another semester to make severe edits to my thesis, spent a month in Paris (YES, PARIS), submitted my thesis, quit my job, officially finished my degree, have started PhD applications.

This year did not go as planned WHATSOEVER. But despite all of the downfalls, the many many many downfalls, I SPENT A WHOLE MONTH OF MY LIFE IN PARIS AND IT WAS THE BEST MONTH OF MY LIFE (even though I had a sinus infection the whole time). I did a study abroad course (Theory and Analysis of Contemporary Music) through the Eastman School of Music in collaboration with IRCAM's Manifeste Music Festival for the month of June. Never in a million years did I ever think that I would be able to and find myself participating in a study abroad program. There was one most unfortunate consequence to that decision (moving out of the beautiful solitude that was my one bedroom apartment) to have the experience of a lifetime.

I will try to keep my gushing to a bare minimum, but suffice to say, living in Paris for a month has helped me further realize my desire to live in a place where public transportation and the overall quality of life is much improved. I will always have a soft spot for the D, and maybe someday I will return and live here once again. But I need to further experience life outside the 3-1-3. I have decided that if I do not get accepted into any doctoral musicology programs that I will move to Boston, or perhaps Canada (especially with the political atmosphere as of late, *cough* presidential elections *cough*). Ever since I was little, I have always wanted to live in Canada. And maybe I will realize that dream. Maybe I will even end up somehow somewhere in the UK (another place I would like to live). Either way, in my cold, dark, and icy heart, I feel the urge to explore new waters. And living in Paris for that one month has not only given me the courage but also strengthened my desire and excitement to explore the world.

Maybe hidden inside of this is a message. The message to live life, do as you will. I get so buried in my work and planning that I forget to actually stop and enjoy life, to want more than just my degree. Which I am so so so happy and relieved to have finally achieved.

Balance, I need to find balance. And pursue my desires.