A Most Musical Epiphany

I have recently become aware of something. Of how I perceive, pursue, and live my life. Even though I am not actively performing anymore, most of my life consisted of me playing my flute (and other instruments). For almost twenty years I had a creative outlet. I was able to use and engage so many different parts of my brain, aspects of my mind. Upsetting and wonderful both at the same time. Frustrating yet satisfying.

Despite being a musician for almost twenty years and having spent eight years of my life in collegiate music study, I consider myself to be a terribly logical person. In terms of relating to others, an emotional robot. I find myself more focused on the academic side of music, history and education. I am currently in the process of sending out applications for doctoral study. But the performance and study of music does something important for me in that respect: it acts as a balance. It gives me that extra push to not only walk but run. (Or trot, at least. Maybe even a nice gallop.)

But if there is no passion, no desire, nothing to be learned, nothing of value, then I cannot pursue it. I am learning that I cannot settle for the ordinary, the conventional, the "cubicle" life. There has to be more. More meaning, more depth. I cannot participate in something for an indeterminate period of time with no creative outlet. I need to be fully engaged, both logically and creatively. I need truth. I need magic. I need passion. I need music.

And I cannot settle for anything less.