Again I've gone quite a long time without writing any of my thoughts, ideas, and musings here. It has been way too long. The winter semester is now behind and the sun now hovers above me, showering me with its rays of light. Its only too warm rays of light.
Been to the doctor's office a few more times. They've given me more medication and I am finally starting to feel better. At the same time, however, I feel as though my feeling better has less to do with the medication and more to do with the fact that I am not taking any classes and am not constantly stressed about school. Either way it goes, I am slowly starting to heal.
I am slowly coming to terms with certain things in my life that I've grown to realize I can't change and I am going to spend a lot of time this summer learning how to be ok with that. I am going to have to continue being patient with time and if not patient then accepting. I want and need to know that I am going to be ok with myself, by myself. There's no use in shedding tears or sitting in dark corners cursing every negative aspect there is to life. I don't want to do that. It's not fair to me. I want to embrace and be thankful for all of the good things that I have. It may not be much but they are too important, too good to go completely forgotten and disregarded. I don't want for this to sound depressing or pessimistic because that is not what I mean in writing all of this. I guess it could be possible that I am in complete denial of everything. Despite the fact that I'd like to think that that isn't true, there will always be the possiblity that it is. But that's ok. This is going to be a very important learning experience for me. And I'm ready to accept the challenges that lie ahead. I have to be.
"You see the smile that's on my mouth, it's hiding the words that don't come out. And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know that my head's a mess. No, they don't know who I really am..." -Brandi Carlile
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