Lunar Eclipse/Winter Solstice

So here I am on the other side of another stress-filled semester. Most of my grades are up and they are pretty decent this semester. Flute jury went ok, I think. Christmas break has finally begun! I am free!

But I am not happy for I cannot decide which is worse: dealing with the stress and large amount of work that comes along with attending college, or the empty and very lonely breaks that follow.

I know it's Christmas time and that I shouldn't be a "debbie-downer" or a "Grinch" but at the end of today, right now, that is all I feel: alone. And very cut off.

After I finished my exit flute jury, I was elated, and then I was tired and took a nap. And then I woke up. I woke up and remembered life outside of school. And the funny thing is is that I always forget that this happens everytime there is an extended break of some kind (summer is worse, way worse). And I always feel so surprised by it when it's nothing new, nothing out of the ordinary.

And everytime this happens, I become more and more annoyed with my present circumstances. Why is it always this way? Am I really that unlikable/incapable of forming any kind of familial/friendly bond with another person for an extended period of time? And why can't these bonds grow closer when they do attempt to form?

Maybe I need a chemistry book to answer some of these questions....

It is slowly getting better, very slowly. A year ago compared to now there are definitely improvements being made. But still, at the end of the day, I find myself in an empty room thinking the same thoughts that I always think to myself. And I don't like it. I want change.

Zwielicht (Twilight)

Darkness is spreading its wings,
The trees murmur ominously,
Clouds gather like oppressive dreams—
What does this dread mean?
If you have a favorite roe-deer,
Don’t let it graze alone,
Hunters ride in the forest and blow,
Sounding their horns and passing on.

If you have a friend on earth,
Don’t trust him at this hour,
Friendly perhaps in glance and voice,
He’s planning war in deceptive peace.
What perishes today in weariness,
will arise tomorrow newly born.
Things go astray in the night—
Be careful, stay alert and watchful!
- Eichendorff

Fire & Ice

I thought I couldn't do it.

All my life my body was hard stone.

An ice sculpture that could never melt.

No matter how close it got to the fire.

But now the fire can finally heat my frozen exterior.

I'm melting.

Like the cascading droplets of water departing from its source,

Tear drops begin to escape my eyes.

I'm crying.

And I can't stop.

Because fire will never cease burning.

But there must be an end to forever.

Lost

And then the walls came crashing down...

All in a matter of 2 hours, my world, my everything began to break down.

What little feeling of security I had left was robbed from me.

Stolen at a most vulnerable time.

And now I sit here, never having felt so helpless in my entire life.

So alone.

And I don't know what to do.

I just don't know what to do.

Edifying Thoughts of a Tobacco Smoker

Whene'er I take my pipe and stuff it
And smoke to pass the time away
My thoughts, as I sit there and puff it,
Dwell on a picture sad and grey:
It teaches me that very like
Am I myself unto my pipe.
Like me this pipe, so fragrant burning,
Is made of naught but earthen clay;
To earth I too shall be returning,
And cannot halt my slow decay.
My well used pipe, now cracked and broken,
Of mortal life is but a token.
No stain, the pipe's hue yet doth darken;
It remains white. Thus do I know
That when to death's call I must harken
My body, too, all pale will grow.
To black beneath the sod 'twill turn,
Likewise the pipe, if oft it burn.
Or when the pipe is fairly glowing,
Behold then instantaneously,
The smoke off into thin air going,
'Til naught but ash is left to see.
Man's fame likewise away will burn
And unto dust his body turn.
How oft it happens when one's smoking,
The tamper's missing from it's shelf,
And one goes with one's finger poking
Into the bowl and burns oneself.
If in the pipe such pain doth dwell
How hot must be the pains of Hell!
Thus o'er my pipe in contemplation
Of such things - I can constantly
Indulge in fruitful meditation,
And so, puffing contentedly,
On land, at sea, at home, abroad,
I smoke my pipe and worship God.
-J.S. Bach

Six Nocturnal Explorations

Cold sparkling night

called me from snug bed

with a witching wind

to quicken my pulse

with a single streaking

comet.

Weatherd grey barn

set in ghostly desolation

of empty fields shines pearl-like

under rising moon.

Twinkling fireflies

mock solemn forest

as twilight settles into long summer dusk.

A pool of glittering

black sky

lies endlessly faceted

by a single startled frog's

foolish leap.

Waxing moon etching light

through ancient pine tree
catches suddenly the face

of a ragged figure dancing.

The silvery staccato

of frost on window

greeted my sleepy eyes

as dawn crept in.

-Diane Leigh Vogt

The Guild

Something that I've become somewhat very obessesed with watching as of late. And a great procrastination tool. For any super computer game geeks out there, enjoy.

http://www.watchtheguild.com/

Wake-Up Call

My wake-up call decided to dial in on my life this past Tuesday afternoon.

My Tuesday began as most of them usually do: I woke up feeling nauseous, more nauseous than usual, but still nauseous. In other words, nothing new. Same old same old, blah blah blah. I went to my voice class and started to feel better. I truly enjoy being in that class (I'm a huge nerd. It happens) and it always puts me in a good mood. I then went back to my apartment and made a gluten-free sandwich half of which I ate. And it was so delicious. It tasted like one of the best sandwiches I had ever had (even though I only had turkey and lettuce in it, but that's how I usually eat it). Met with a college of education advisor and that put me in a really good mood. Usually when I leave there I feel very upset. But not this Tuesday. It felt like Tuesday was my lucky day. Next I went to work for an hour and I was feeling even better. After that I went to my American history classroom, sat down and finished my lunch, and waited for class to begin. I was actually somewhat interested in the topic that we were going to discuss, McCarthyism. At least this was slightly more interesting than what had been previously discussed in that class. And not a minute before class began, the room started spinning, my world was spinning. I was falling slowly. Very slowly. I begun to panic. "I need to leave here. I can't hold on. I can't breathe." I'm surprised that I was able to get as far as I did. I grabbed my bags and went up to the teacher and as calmly as I could I told her that I was feeling dizzy and that I needed to leave the classroom. Even though the room kept tilting to its side and I felt like I could have fallen down at any point, I walked up the stairs of that lecture hall and through the double doors. My breathing consisted of very short quick breaths and I thought to myself, "Where can I go? I need to find a quiet and very empty space, and just breathe." My eyes begun to blur and I realized that there was a bathroom a couple doors down. Using the wall as my guide and support, I made it to the bathroom which was thankfully empty at the time. And I cried. People who know me very well know that I never cry. Never. And at that moment, it felt like I would never stop crying. I had never lost so much control over my body and I had no idea what was happening to it, what was happening to me. And I was upset. Upset that something else was thrown into the mix of problems that I already had to deal with on a constant basis. Why was my body doing this to me, what was (is) happening to me? I ended up going to the doctor's office right after that only to find that they still have no idea what's wrong with me and now with my almost passing out episode I don't think that anybody has any idea what's going on. At all.

Let me just say now that I have never felt more terrified in my life than I did on that day. It's mostly common knowledge now that I've been having weird health issues and have been in and out of the doctor's office and hospital constantly. But out of the past 16 months, I had never reached that high of a degree of fear until this Tuesday past. But I do know that I have to have more time set out in my schedule to let my body recuperate and heal itself on a daily basis. I work everyday and am taking 18 credits this semester. So I'm thinking that even though I don't want to, I think that I need to do what is best for my body/health and drop a class. My schedule is so intense this semester that I don't even have time for a proper lunch. And I'm usually too nauseous to have breakfast. So my first (and last) meal of the day tends to be dinner. Which is extremely unhealthy. Especially for someone like me who is in and out of the hospital. Three nights a week, I usually am back to my apartment around 8:00pm, which means that I don't eat dinner until around 9pm. That's way too late to be eating my first full meal of the day. So I think that I'm going to change that by dropping a class. And changing a lot of other things in my life.

Life is too short to be constantly working and constantly stressed and unwell. I want and very much need to enjoy what few moments of it there are left.

This post was super-wordy. I mostly apologize.

In The Dark of Night

Dreaming is a strange and very frustrating state of unconciousness that I usually don't experience, except for last night and now I am left deep in thought. So confusing. So vivid. I feel so lost. I do believe that since I don't dream often that whenever I do dream, that my mind and whatever else is out there is trying to send me a sign. To make me aware of something that is important and needing special attention. And to make matters worse, there were two main people in my dream. One of them I can remember, the other I cannot. No matter how hard I've been trying for the past hours. Both of these people I know in real life. I just can't put my finger on the second and it's been bothering me since the moment I openned my eyes. And I just don't know what to do. I am so frustrated by this. It felt so real. Almost too real, actually. I feel so out of sorts right now. And my brain is racing so hard to recall the images of last night before they are all lost. I have never felt so spooked before this. But I think that my eyes are beginning to open and I know what I'm going to have to do....

"Sigh No More"

-I love this. So I'm posting it.-

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,

Men were deceivers ever;

One foot in sea, and one on shore,

To one thing constant never.

Then sigh not so, But let them go,

And be you blith(e) and bonny,

Converting all your sounds of woe

Into Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no mo

Of dumps so dull and heavy;

The fraud of men was ever so,

Since summer first was leavy.

Then sigh not so, But let them go,

And be you blith(e) and bonny,

Converting all your sounds of woe

Into Hey nonny, nonny.

Act II Scene III
Much Ado About Nothing
William Shakespeare

Realizations At A Summer's End

It's been a quite a long time since I last posted an entry here. An entire summer, in fact. And within this summer that is almost past a lot of things have happened and changed. My sister is now a married woman. My mother has been diagnosed with breast cancer but has had a successful surgery and is now beginning the healing process. And I've felt like I've done a lot of growing up and letting go of negativity. I thought that my eyes were opened wide enough. I was definitely fooled.

There are still some things, however, that haven't changed:

I'm still crazy nauseous all the time, in and out of the doctor's office. At this point, I'm going to start calling myself a medical mystery.

Financial situations still make me want to cry, if only I really could.

Fall classes are about to start up again. I'm nervous but mostly excited for them to begin. Even though it can be stressful at times I find the learning process very intriguing.

Happiness is something that I haven't truly experienced (in a long time) and it is something that I usually don't trust. But now I'm going to give it a chance and see where it takes me. It's a learning process for me, love is, and I am ready to begin the learning process of its true meaning.

"What's happened to the world? Is everything sad going to come untrue?"-J.R.R. Tolkien

Just Another Musical Musing

I've most recently become aware of the fact that I miss playing in a musical ensemble. Like really, really miss playing in an ensemble. Playing/practicing by myself for the past two months has been mostly ok though because I have been continuing my journey of perfecting my art: playing the flute. But I wish that I were good enough to perform in festivals and/or community groups during the summer. And I know that I had a later start than a lot of other musicians in music school and that it takes a lot of work, time, effort, and patience to get where I want to be. But all the same, it is very frustrating. (Despite my being a senior this upcoming fall) I have 2 more years of being an undergraduate music student and I have come so far in my studies. I have learned so much and have become a better musician.

Losing Heart

Again I've gone quite a long time without writing any of my thoughts, ideas, and musings here. It has been way too long. The winter semester is now behind and the sun now hovers above me, showering me with its rays of light. Its only too warm rays of light.

Been to the doctor's office a few more times. They've given me more medication and I am finally starting to feel better. At the same time, however, I feel as though my feeling better has less to do with the medication and more to do with the fact that I am not taking any classes and am not constantly stressed about school. Either way it goes, I am slowly starting to heal.

I am slowly coming to terms with certain things in my life that I've grown to realize I can't change and I am going to spend a lot of time this summer learning how to be ok with that. I am going to have to continue being patient with time and if not patient then accepting. I want and need to know that I am going to be ok with myself, by myself. There's no use in shedding tears or sitting in dark corners cursing every negative aspect there is to life. I don't want to do that. It's not fair to me. I want to embrace and be thankful for all of the good things that I have. It may not be much but they are too important, too good to go completely forgotten and disregarded. I don't want for this to sound depressing or pessimistic because that is not what I mean in writing all of this. I guess it could be possible that I am in complete denial of everything. Despite the fact that I'd like to think that that isn't true, there will always be the possiblity that it is. But that's ok. This is going to be a very important learning experience for me. And I'm ready to accept the challenges that lie ahead. I have to be.

"You see the smile that's on my mouth, it's hiding the words that don't come out. And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed, they don't know that my head's a mess. No, they don't know who I really am..." -Brandi Carlile

Stars & Butterflies

It's been quite a while since I've last updated this. Forgetting my password might be a huge contributing factor to this situation....

I am a little over a month into second semester of my third year in college already. Busy, busy, busy. Stress, stress, stress. Sick, sick, sick. Common themes within my life currently.

My parents (and private lessons teacher apparently) seem to think that the reason why I am sick all the time might be because I am more stressed than what I might even realize, which is great. And I've realized too that I find it very difficult to fully relax. I'm constantly thinking about what I have to do, what needs to be done, worrying that certain things might not work out. I want to work on this though because I don't want for this to be my entire life all the time, everyday. Definitely not on my list of fun things to do.

I'm putting a lot of effort into staying positive and not letting people get to me in any way. This is very difficult and takes a lot of conscious effort on my part.

On a slightly different note, I am currently working on a way to do one or two weeks of student teaching in England or France two years from now. I don't want to get too excited or get my hopes too high, but at the same time, I really, really, really want this to happen. I don't know how it's going to happen, but I would be beyond estatic if it did. I guess I'm looking for a miraculous event to occur. I just feel a very strong magnetic pull in that direction. I always have since I was a child, even if for a small period of time it lay dormant inside of me. What would be really nice is if I could teach over in Europe for a year or so. But that's reaching beyond the stars. I think that I'd like to be able to maybe touch a cloud.

Well, that's a little bit of what's been going on in my brain lately.

"And yet, to say the truth, reason and love keep little company together nowadays."-Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night's Dream